Presley

This is raw and un edited. This has taken me a while to actually sort my thoughts and get it on paper. Yet they are still a mess and everywhere.
 What else can I say except I miss her? I wish it was different and I wish she was here. I will always think “what if’s” but I won’t beat myself up over it.  Losing a baby will always be something you will never understand until you go through it. It felt as though my heart shattered on the floor and my soul was crushed. After taking some time to heal, and you’re put back together, there are scars, and you’ll never be the same again. You learn to love differently because you realize that life’s fragile.  To be honest, I have been putting this post off. I had a pregnancy blog, and I am now no longer pregnant. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to mention it, but then I thought: Presley deserves it, she deserves to be remembered. She will be the little girl that didn’t walk along side me, but that forever changed my life.

People refer to loss and miscarriage like it’s so common and it’s something to just “get over”. The grief of her loss was so much more intense than I ever imagined. There was so much rawness and just floods of emotion that surround me. I really can't describe it. Losing a baby is so sad and so deep that it truly can't be described until you are there. I am not sure any amount of time will ever make that sadness numb away. I cannot wrap my head around it, and I pray that you don’t have to. Every moment she was alive, she was with me. She heard my heartbeat, I felt her move. I miss her so much.

All the dreams for my sweet baby were taken so quickly, all the prayers and dreams.
I ached after that loss. I wanted to be strong but I ached. Each day I feel like I say the same thing. I miss you, I love you. Because of you I am a better person. I think it goes to show time doesn't change a single thing. I am richer, by far, for having held you a moment for than to have never held you at all.
I’m thankful for my precious Kinley, I was truly blessed to be her mother.

"Say something" has always been the song that reminds us of Presley. The other day when it came on the radio Kinley said " Hey, this is Baby Presley's song". It made me smile. Recently, we were out for breakfast getting eggs benny. There was an elderly woman sitting with her husband at the table next to us. She started talking to Kinley, they were laughing (Kinley was showing off). The woman then asked if she had any brothers or sisters and Kin said " a sister baby Presley". Then Kinley started to play again,it didn't even phase her.I don't expect it to, she's only 3 and barely understands much past the point that mama doesn't have a baby in her tummy anymore.But, even though my heart still throbs it made me feel comfort.  I am glad she talks about her, I want her part of our life and not have it be sad. It is sad, she died, don't get me wrong. But it is okay to talk about her and just have it be a part of our life. I like that we can do this.
So many woman out there suffer in silence, but you are not alone. 

My lovely friend made a special headband dedicated to our angel Presley. Since I’ve been helping Sarah for a while with her business, this had special meaning to me. 

Here are some photos:

I'll hold you in my heart until I can hold you in heaven.

Love always, 

mommy xo

Dressing Kinley up

It's been almost 2 weeks since Ace has left to go 9 hours up north for his new career. But let me tell you, I absolutely suck at this long distance thing. Thankfully I have my little side kick Kinley. She's been sleeping with me more, and I love it. There is just one thing. Over the last month and a half she went from no accidents ever (including nights) to having them every single night. I was told she may start regressing because of the stress everyone has been through so I think that's where it's coming from. Last night I was woken up by a sleepy 3 year old saying "mama I pee'd". So I started up a 3 am bath and the laundry. I was so tired this morning especially with her not wanting anything I offered for breakfast, I wanted to crawl back in bed and cry. She ended up giving me the sweetest hug and telling me I'm her best friend and asked to wear her fairy wings to the car. Instantly my heart melted and I wasn't all that frustrated.

We played dress-up today.
Yes I bribed her.

Here are some pics :)

Kinley insisted on wearing her wings from the house to the 2 min trip in the elevator and walk to the car

being bribed with candy (ahh guilty)
 

THESE BUNS?! Miley hair is okay as long as she doesn't start twerking.
 

 

cheeky lil thing.

Shirt:joefresh / vest:joefresh / leggings: h&m / shoes: mexx

 

Life

I often have people tell me how " perfect " my life is over social media. Don't forget that Instagram will give you a false perception of people's lives. I do believe Ace and I were placed in each other  lives for a reason, and that we wouldn't have been able to go through, and still continue to go through, what we have if it wasn't for a bigger purpose. But I'm not going to post every single up and down, and we have lots. Don't beat yourself up over comparing with other people. I'm not anywhere near perfect, I have a sharp tongue and my words cut deep, but I'm human. It's crazy what sadness can do. All I can do is focus on making myself a better mother, partner and friend, every single day. I've been making a constant effort to do that. Real life occurs behind all the cropping and filters.

20 weeks! HALF WAY!

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Kinley's face is like "OMG my last Christmas as a spoiled only child/onlygrandchild" haha she's got a rude awakening coming! This chickie loves attention!

How far along: 20weeks

Weight gain: 5 lbs. I was expecting more with the Holidays. We had 3 turkey dinners back to back this year!

Maternity clothes: Still wearing my normal clothes, but lots of leggings.

Stretch marks: No

Belly button in or out: in still

Sleep: Decent, besides the midnight pee breaks, I've been waking up with headaches though

Best moment this week: Hasn't happened yet, but the ultrasound is tomorrow! Also, we are having so much Christmas fun with Kinley this year.  Last year Kinley and I spent Christmas Eve in the hospital and woke up Christmas morning there, so I was extra special this year. Also, I went on a 2.5 hour hike with a lot of climbing and uphill/downhill. I was impressed with myself.

Worst moment this week: The amount of clean up after Christmas! 

Miss anything: I missed my wine on Christmas and actually tried de alcoholized wine which was pretty much just a fancy juice.

Movement: Lots of kicks! Ace hasn't felt it yet although we try to get him to be able to feel every night.

Cravings:Carbs!! Pasta and bread! yum.

Queasy or sick: Im starting to get a lot of heartburn again. I could barely eat the stuffing at dinner which is usually my favorite. Sad.

Looking forward to: The ultrasound tomorrow and to see our baby kicking away!

De alcoholized wine (Cab Sav)

Hiking Pics

Christmas pics

19 weeks

I can't believe how fast this is going. Already 19 weeks and an ultrasound in one week! I can't wait to see our sweet baby that will actually look like a baby and not just a blob on the screen!


Do I want a girl or a boy?

I'm not going to lie... the thought of having a boy makes me a bit anxious. I already know how to do girls since I have one, easy. But I don't know about boys yet.  I know they're into action and I should probably stock up on band aids. I also heard they pee straight in your face.Then there is all the new things I would need to buy. I don’t have boy clothes or toys, it’s like starting over. 

But to be honest I would be genuinely happy either way. Growing up I always wanted a sister, so it would be pretty amazing for Kinley to have one. Plus  have everything already, and the hand me downs would save a bunch of money.

Super Update

I've had some time off work which has been fabulous because I've got to sleep in with Kinley and enjoy so many extra cuddles!

On the downside.. it's Christmas.. the most expensive time of the year… just a horrible time to not be making money. Oh well!


Here are some photos from yesterday of Kinley being a character (as usual)

She's wearing her IWEARTHEHEADRESS
look them up on instagram if you haven't already! Love her stuff

I have also been doing Prenatal Yoga on Mondays! I absolutely LOVE it and the teacher. I've learned so much already. I am definitely enjoying it and recommend it to any pregnant mommas wanting a little down time once a week. This is also a great way to connect with other mommas in your area.

Even though this is an amazing exciting time in our lives, there has been some stresses.

One in particular is having to find a new doctor. The doctor I have now was my dad's since he was 9 years old, so obviously I can't blame him for retiring from delivering. He delivered both my brothers and myself, as well as Kinley. I cried when he told me he wouldn't be delivering this baby, I was so upset. The way our area deals with pregnant women is they have a maternity clinic. This is SO new to me as I used my family doctor before and had already known him and felt comfortable. I don't like the idea of having to get to know 5+ doctors and not knowing which will deliver you. It makes me feel so uncomfortable. Ace's doctor still delivers, but she isn't accepting new patients, so hopefully we will be able to work something out with her. If I go to her maternity clinic, there is only 1 day a week that she is in there, and there is a chance 7 other doctors could deliver me. AH! This gives me anxiety. So hopefully she can take me on as a new patient, or a different doctor can. I just want ONE doctor to follow me through my pregnancy and then deliver for me. I'm crossing my fingers. 

How are you guys dealing with your pregnancies? Are you using your family doctor/ a specialist/ a mid wife / or a maternity clinic? Let me know your advice!

18 week update

How Far Along:  18 weeks

Weight Gain/Loss:  -8lbs.

Sleep:  I didn't even do a chalk board last week because I was so tired! Kinley has been sick so she's been staying in bed with me.. she pee'd the bed a few times, woke up for sips of water TONS and kicked me lots! So I haven't had the best sleeps in a while. She's finally feeling better, I can't wait to sleep tonight!

Best Moment This Week:   Feeling more movement. It's the best ever.

Movement: Little pops here and there. The baby is always the most active when I lay down in bed at night. Party Animal!!

Food Cravings/Aversions: I've been having pineapple for the past 2 weeks. My boss told me you aren't suppose to when you're pregnant. I googled it and eating pineapple is perfectly safe. What is of concern is the core. The core of a pineapple does contain high levels of Bromelain which can cause thinning and contractions if you eat a ton of it. You would have to eat quite a few cores to have this happen.

What I Miss: Baileys in my hot chocolate. COFFEE. This week I had a few cups, even though I usually avoid caffeine completely.

Stretch Marks:  Old ones are starting to show.

Belly Button:  In.

Rings:  Loose.

Mood: Happy but extremely sensitive! Lots of crying lately.

Labor Signs: some minor cramping, and lower back pains. I got kidney stones apparently... but haven't confirmed this.

Upcoming Appointments/Events: Ultrasound next month! Right after Christmas.

What I look forward to: My belly to start growing :)

Weekly Wisdom:  Get as many back rubs and naps in as you can.

See some pics from today!

 

 

 

 

It say's "Do not open until May 2014"