Presley

This is raw and un edited. This has taken me a while to actually sort my thoughts and get it on paper. Yet they are still a mess and everywhere.
 What else can I say except I miss her? I wish it was different and I wish she was here. I will always think “what if’s” but I won’t beat myself up over it.  Losing a baby will always be something you will never understand until you go through it. It felt as though my heart shattered on the floor and my soul was crushed. After taking some time to heal, and you’re put back together, there are scars, and you’ll never be the same again. You learn to love differently because you realize that life’s fragile.  To be honest, I have been putting this post off. I had a pregnancy blog, and I am now no longer pregnant. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to mention it, but then I thought: Presley deserves it, she deserves to be remembered. She will be the little girl that didn’t walk along side me, but that forever changed my life.

People refer to loss and miscarriage like it’s so common and it’s something to just “get over”. The grief of her loss was so much more intense than I ever imagined. There was so much rawness and just floods of emotion that surround me. I really can't describe it. Losing a baby is so sad and so deep that it truly can't be described until you are there. I am not sure any amount of time will ever make that sadness numb away. I cannot wrap my head around it, and I pray that you don’t have to. Every moment she was alive, she was with me. She heard my heartbeat, I felt her move. I miss her so much.

All the dreams for my sweet baby were taken so quickly, all the prayers and dreams.
I ached after that loss. I wanted to be strong but I ached. Each day I feel like I say the same thing. I miss you, I love you. Because of you I am a better person. I think it goes to show time doesn't change a single thing. I am richer, by far, for having held you a moment for than to have never held you at all.
I’m thankful for my precious Kinley, I was truly blessed to be her mother.

"Say something" has always been the song that reminds us of Presley. The other day when it came on the radio Kinley said " Hey, this is Baby Presley's song". It made me smile. Recently, we were out for breakfast getting eggs benny. There was an elderly woman sitting with her husband at the table next to us. She started talking to Kinley, they were laughing (Kinley was showing off). The woman then asked if she had any brothers or sisters and Kin said " a sister baby Presley". Then Kinley started to play again,it didn't even phase her.I don't expect it to, she's only 3 and barely understands much past the point that mama doesn't have a baby in her tummy anymore.But, even though my heart still throbs it made me feel comfort.  I am glad she talks about her, I want her part of our life and not have it be sad. It is sad, she died, don't get me wrong. But it is okay to talk about her and just have it be a part of our life. I like that we can do this.
So many woman out there suffer in silence, but you are not alone. 

My lovely friend made a special headband dedicated to our angel Presley. Since I’ve been helping Sarah for a while with her business, this had special meaning to me. 

Here are some photos:

I'll hold you in my heart until I can hold you in heaven.

Love always, 

mommy xo

Dressing Kinley up

It's been almost 2 weeks since Ace has left to go 9 hours up north for his new career. But let me tell you, I absolutely suck at this long distance thing. Thankfully I have my little side kick Kinley. She's been sleeping with me more, and I love it. There is just one thing. Over the last month and a half she went from no accidents ever (including nights) to having them every single night. I was told she may start regressing because of the stress everyone has been through so I think that's where it's coming from. Last night I was woken up by a sleepy 3 year old saying "mama I pee'd". So I started up a 3 am bath and the laundry. I was so tired this morning especially with her not wanting anything I offered for breakfast, I wanted to crawl back in bed and cry. She ended up giving me the sweetest hug and telling me I'm her best friend and asked to wear her fairy wings to the car. Instantly my heart melted and I wasn't all that frustrated.

We played dress-up today.
Yes I bribed her.

Here are some pics :)

Kinley insisted on wearing her wings from the house to the 2 min trip in the elevator and walk to the car

being bribed with candy (ahh guilty)
 

THESE BUNS?! Miley hair is okay as long as she doesn't start twerking.
 

 

cheeky lil thing.

Shirt:joefresh / vest:joefresh / leggings: h&m / shoes: mexx

 

Life

I often have people tell me how " perfect " my life is over social media. Don't forget that Instagram will give you a false perception of people's lives. I do believe Ace and I were placed in each other  lives for a reason, and that we wouldn't have been able to go through, and still continue to go through, what we have if it wasn't for a bigger purpose. But I'm not going to post every single up and down, and we have lots. Don't beat yourself up over comparing with other people. I'm not anywhere near perfect, I have a sharp tongue and my words cut deep, but I'm human. It's crazy what sadness can do. All I can do is focus on making myself a better mother, partner and friend, every single day. I've been making a constant effort to do that. Real life occurs behind all the cropping and filters.